I’m Back, Let’s Party.

Seems like I have been gone forever, huh? Well guess what: grab a glass of wine, a party hat, and get ready for a story.

If you read this post you will know I have been dealing with a lot, including the death of our family dog, who we had for 15 years.

Where have I been? Dealing with a lot of stuff: being sick, family dealing with medical issues, and things breaking down around the house. Sine my family is more private than I when it comes to this kind of thing, we are going to stick with talking about me.

At the beginning of November the pain in my back returned, not as strong as it was the last time. Went to the ER and while there was told that my kidney infection had most likely returned. Well it turns out it wasn’t a kidney infection, although at this time I am unsure what the cause is.

My trip to the ER alone was not fun. Once I was in and went through the whole ‘when was your last period? Are you pregnant?’ questions, I was than wheeled into the ER. The nurse who was in charge of the IV did a horrible job sticking the needle into me, there was just enough of a hole for blood to pool around. Having been in hospitals enough times and having been around them thanks to my dad, I knew that she wasn’t doing the best job.

After having to give blood, which I have never had a problem with until that night, she gave me drugs for the pain through the IV. They were pretty nice drugs, but at first it felt awful. Those who live with chronic anxiety can understand this; I felt this rush throughout my body as though I was experiencing an instant panic attack. I hadn’t felt one this strong in a long time, I felt like I was going to hyperventilate and pass out. This was a result of the instant adrenaline rush that was sent throughout my body. Following that, I felt very out of it, as though my head was fuzzy and lifting off the pillow. Only closing my eyes helped alleviate the sensation.

What a Month

This past months things have been topsy turvy. It started a week after classes started at the University of Tennessee.

My boyfriend got laid off, another relative is now living with us due to some awkward circumstances, I lost some financial aid, I got a kidney infection, and my dog is dying. There is a lot more, but since it mostly involves family, I’m respecting their wishes and not going into the details of it all on here.

Despite all this, only now is it all starting to bother me a little bit.

Two weeks ago I went to see my therapist and I told him everything that was going on (minus Kidney Infection- that was from this past week) and he says I was handling things amazingly well.

As I told my therapist,  Pre-medicine and pre-therapy I would have been “a puddle on the floor.” I have cried a couple of times, but I can actually live my life and not be trapped in the wall of anxiety and depression.

Even though I have been doing well, I am starting to feel it get to me. It is also one of the reasons why I have been away from writing. From writing in my journals to writing on my blog. A lot has been happening in my life.

My boyfriend is amazed at all that is happening. Between my family issues, my finical issues, my families financial issues, my families family issues, and me being in college he is impressed at how well I am handling it.

A lot is going on, just thinking abut it is making my head spin.

I hope you all are doing well.

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Please, Stop the Music

While waiting in the waiting room for my appointment with my therapist, there were these two young women across from me.

After 5 minutes of talking about their messed up love life, where the guy was being disrespectful and not dealing with his issues. They started playing music really loud on their phones. No headphones, no consideration for those around them; just loud music.

I saw so many people sitting near them soon leave. Others were looking at them from across the room and shaking their heads. I didn’t leave myself because I put my headphones in to listen to my music.

If you find no problem with playing music loud in public without headphones: whether it is a coffee shop, a bookstore, etc. You are rude and inconsiderate.

Just because you want to listen to music doesn’t mean I want to or anyone else in the office wants to listen to music. Not everyone wants to listen to whatever genre of music you are listening to.

What makes this situation even more disrespectful is that this is a mental health clinic; therapy and rehabilitation focus. There are people coming in here dealing with issues ranging from anxiety to substance abuse withdrawal. As a result people could possibly be on the edge, people could have panic attacks, suffer from ultra sensitivity due to autism, etc. The list goes on. There were also children (ages 4-6 years old) around and some of the songs had graphic language in it. There was a teenage girl who was rubbing her temples as though she was dealing with a major headache/migraine, no doubt that loud music was not helping.

So for these two women no older than 40 to play music in a mental health clinic with young children was not only inconsiderate but irresponsible.

The biggest disappointment was that there were multiple receptionist that were working and they did nothing.

Could I have done and said something? Probably. I was actually thinking of talking to the receptionist and mention that I noticed others were uncomfortable with the loud music that they were playing. Right as I thought that though, they left.

Thank God they did.

So please if you are going to be playing music, put your headphones in. If you don’t have headphones, than don’t play music. Play a game on your phone instead, but keep the music from the game off.

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I Don’t Need to Be Perfect

 

This past year I have been working really hard on improving myself. Between going on medication, going to therapy, and constantly challenging myself I realized that no matter how hard I work, no matter what I do I won’t be perfect.

On top of being most likely OCD & ADD I know that I have a problem with being a perfectionist. I can’t tell you how I feel every time I look at my blog. Every time I look at it there are so many things I see wrong with it and it drives me nuts to say the least.

Whether it came to my grades, my room, or just trying to being an adult I would constantly criticize myself and try to see how I can be better.

It was difficult at times and still can be. Before I went on medication I used to wish on a daily basis that things would just go perfectly. I would get upset with myself and berate myself if things didn’t turn out the way I wish I had planned.

My Highest and Lowest Moment of the Year (So Far…)

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This is in response to the June blog  challenge. Hey I figure if I write the challenge, I should participate too. Only fair, I came up with it. If you want to participate, go here to check it out!

At this point of the year I would have to say my highest and lowest point is related to my depression and anxiety (I know seriously, I feel like that is all I talk about, but I have reasons!)

For me it is my highest because I am finally able to live and overcome it for a majority of my time. I can live my life, I am finally able to wake up 3/4 of the time and actually get out of bed without fighting myself and telling myself to “get the hell out of bed,” “you are a failure,” etc. Well thanks to the medication it has helped me greatly. That does not mean it is a cure. It helps me, but I still have depressive episode. In fact when I first began taking the medication how I felt about the whole medication idea was a different story.

This part of taking medication was the lowest point of this year (so far). My boyfriend can tell you that the first week I felt neutral. Starting into the second week, I felt like a train wreck. In fact, I honestly thought it was the worst bouts of depression that I have ever experienced since I was 13. I felt all over the place and a mess. Not a hot mess, just a mess. During that week the only thing that helped me through was remembering the fact that with taking this medication it will get worse a little bit before it got better.

And it did. I can tell you I have been taking this medication since January and my life is a whole lot better as a result of it. I am going to a therapist that helps me work  on the problems with more of a clear head, without the chemically induced depression and anxiety getting in the way.

Have you experienced this before? What was your experience? Let me know in the comments below!

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Why I Fear Failure

I can tell you that with realizing I am afraid of failure I have had to analyze why I am afraid of failure.

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It is all the consequences I fear as a result of failure. Although I know this and I am starting to understand it

1. I don’t want others to look at me and think of me as incompetent.  Whether it is in work, classes, or just living in general I am terrified of looking incompetent.
2.  I don’t like feeling incompetent either. I remember the rimes I felt incompetent and it wasn’t fun. I don’t like feeling incompetent and that happens every time I don’t accomplish my goals.
3. I don’t want to let others down. I don’t want to let my family or friends down. I have a brother to take care of (he has autism), parents with health issues,etc. I can’t mess up. That has always been my mentality. I am the eldest daughter, I am the most capable, and I have the ability to take care of my family in the future. When it comes to my friends I don’t want them to think I am stupid or incapable. I don’t want them to think less of me. I remember times when I have told my parents I haven’t done well in class and saw the look of disappointment on their faces and could feel the disappointment radiating off of them, I felt terrible.
4. I don’t want to mess up my chances of accomplishing my dreams. I have lots of dreams. I want to be a published author, I want to have my own business one day, I want to work in libraries. I want to learn how make clothes, jewelry, cook,etc. I want to do a lot and accomplish a lot. The more times I mess up and fail, the less the opportunities there are for me, and the more time it takes for me to accomplish my dreams and goals.
5. I feel like a terrible person if I haven’t accomplished my goals. Whether I have failed a class or missed out on a great opportunity I feel a great weight on me as a result. I feel really stupid for not doing my best.
6. It makes me wonder how smart I am. How capable I am. I already have some issues with my self-esteem. Everytime I don’t succeed I feel like it is a personal failure. Yes, I know that it is illogical, but trying telling my emotional self that. The emotional side doesn’t always listen.
7. If I do something it has to be perfect. I can be something of a perfectionist. I am a perfectionist. I guess I get it from my grand mom. It doesn’t help that my mother (whom I love) is amazing and tends to do things exceptionally. It’s not that I felt pressured by her to be exactly like her, I guess I put that pressure on myself.
8. I have high expectations for myself. I guess this goes hand in hand with being a perfectionist. I believe that I can always be doing better, that I can be a better person. Unfortunalty I am usually not satisfied with my successes or accomplishments. I don’t take the time to congratulate myself.
9. Obsessive comparison disorder. Look up here to get an idea as to what it is. As a result of Facebook, twitter, instagram, and society we have this view and timeline as to when we need to accomplish our dreams. Graduate college at 21. After go to grad school or get a great career soon. Than meet someone get married, have kids, get a promotion in you current field, etc. Before you do all that you should travel, live on your own,etc. There are so many expectations as to what one should do with their life and so often I compare my life to others.

How do I overcome this fear?

Well it will take time. Lots of time. At least I know now why I have this issue.

Do you have a fear of failure? Why do you fear failure? Let me know in the comments below!

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A Confession: I Live with Depression & Anxiety

I don’t think this picture describes depression accurately.

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If you haven’t caught on by now from reading this post, this post, this post, this post, and this post.  This shouldn’t really come as a shock to anyone on this post.

I live with Chronic Depression and Anxiety. I have lived with with for over 12 years, without medication.

 

I want you to try to understand living with depression and anxiety for 12 years straight. Only occasionally going to therapy. Before now I have had only 2 Doctors, one was Dr. Smartt and I liked her, but I stopped seeing her after a year. The other I only saw was for a month and I didn’t like her. She thought I hated women…

 

As a result. I stopped going for about a year. In between my first Doctor and the last (failed) Doctor I saw therapists at school. Those free therapists that are trying to gain experience…yeah.  Many times I would either just talk to them and didn’t receive any help. If I was to be honest, that was all the time. After half a year or a full year they would leave. With that I would have to start my whole story all over again.

As you can imagine that got old fast, I became discouraged, and I began to think therapy was a waste of time.

This past December I finally decided that I should go to see a professional and try to go on medication. Something I have been extremely hesitant to do.

I can tell you right now that I do not regret this decision at all. It has been a great help to me.

I want you to imagine anxiety and depression on a scale of 0-10. With 0 being nonexistent and 10 being unlivable. Before medication my constant anxiety was typically at a 12/13. My Depression would be at a 16.

I honestly don’t know how I functioned for the past 12 years. I really don’t know.

I can tell you that now my anxiety is at a 8 currently, for all of you that may be high, for me that is an improvement. My Depression is at a 5, now that is awesome.

Being on medication hasn’t been a cure, it won’t cure your depression and anxiety. I still go to therapy. It helps me somewhat recognize what it is like to not have anxiety and depression.

I still live with anxiety and depression, but I can tell you now it is a little more manageable. For one thing I actually have somewhat of an idea of how a person without chronic depression and anxiety lives. Which is nice to say the least.

Do you live with anxiety? Depression? What are your thoughts on this post? Let me know in the comments below!

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Mental Health Awareness Month

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May is mental health awareness month.

I really feel that mental health isn’t taken as seriously as physical health. If I were to be honest, it still feels that someone can be stigmatized if they had health issues.

From my experience it seems to be worse if it is related to your mental health.

If we injure our leg due to sports, we can talk about going to our physical therapist without a problem.  Yet whether life injures me or my body has chemical issues causing me to be depressed or anxious if I talk about seeing my therapist people begin to feel uncomfortable or they avoid me like I have the plague.

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Why is that?

Mental Health does not just affect an individual mentally, it can affect their physical health as well. It can cause they to be tired, hurting, nauseous, etc.

Why does it still seem taboo to talk about it?

People are still afraid to talk about their mental health. They are afraid of being judge, being looked at differently, or just being seen as weak.

I am not going to lie, I am scared to talk about my mental health. For me it is something I have struggled with since I was 11/12 years old. I don’t remember a day when I felt normal. I can’t tell you the many times that I have been called crazy just because I have depression and anxiety.

Why should I be judged for living mental health issues?

I plan on posting more about my battles with mental health this month. I am really afraid, but I am tired of having this topic be so stigmatized and people being so judgy about it.

Do you struggle with your mental health? What is your biggest struggle? Let me know in the comments below!

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A Confession: I have only been on Reddit for only 24 hours and Already I Am Having Anxiety Issues

I joined reddit simply because I was curious about it. I began sharing links from my blog post and other links into the appropriate places on reddit and well…

There have been a lot of hostile comments already, people misunderstanding what I am writing, and people just being hostile. (And Surprisingly it has comes from some in the Christian community, the people in the Hobbit community seem very nice and not as hostile so far….thank you.) I know I am not perfect and I am up for an intelligent discussion, but it can be hard to interpret the tone (at least for me) of what I am reading, especially over the internet. I don’t like angry confrontations, I don’t like arguments (I think there is a fine line between an argument and a debate).

Why do I not like arguments? To me they make me recall yelling, people fighting, nothing getting resolved. During arguments people are angry and hostile. They don’t seek to have a discussion, they seek to be right.

I know that going into this that there would be people that were mean for the sake of being mean. That people feel safer behind a computer screen and are more honest and nasty as a result. I know that people will have different opinions. I was just surprised/thrown off by the sudden hostility I felt.

I only have been taking medication for a few months and I am still learning different ways to deal with anxiety. I know there is the “F you” mentality I can take, but I wish I could have tips and tricks so I can deal with these kind of situations in the meantime. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, that I won’t see these people, that they won’t affect my daily life.

I can handle mean/hostile people in person, but over the internet is a different story.

Would love to hear your thoughts?

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A Confession: I Tend to Feel Like an Afterthought

I always feel like I am forgotten. That I am an afterthought.

I guess it all started when I was 11 years old and I moved from Rhode Island to Tennessee. The move had a really big impact on me. It was a culture shock to say the least with the strange accents and how everyone was so friendly. It was weird.

I had tried to communicate with a friend from up north. I kept calling her and emailing her. She only replied back once. Once. She forgotten all about me. She stopped caring I guess. Not the first time I had been ignored/forgotten, but the first time I felt the impact really hard.

Soon I went to a new school tried to make some friends there, but then they started to ignore me. They wouldn’t talk to me. They wouldn’t tell me what I did wrong. People began making fun of me, people isolated me, talked behind my back, and did all the other really hurtful things that middle schoolers like to do to people.

Thanks guys, its not like I just dealt with so many other issues during that year (I will have a post coming up about it).

Eventually I was forced (literally forced by the Principal; again a post for another day) to leave the school. This all happened in a year with me moving to Tennessee. Welcome to the south! And did I mention this was a Catholic school?

After this I became indifferent to the idea of making friends, friendship,etc. Deep down I still wanted one, but I tried really hard to not go out of my way, to not be friendly. I just didn’t want to care anymore. That lasted for about a couple years.

I start high school and I make friends. It was harder than to keep up my indifference to friendship. Although because I had been out of practice for a few years the whole idea of calling someone to hang out was foreign. Let alone someone calling me. While I made some good friends, lets just say we didn’t have a lot in common and we had different ideas of friendship. I just wanted to have some people to hang out with so I didn’t feel so alone. Sounds pathetic, but it is the truth.

From all the experiences throughout middle school and high school I learned this about friendships.  You take turns in calling and contacting someone. If you kept calling them and they didn’t try to engage in conversation back (whether through text, phone calls, emails, facebook,etc.) they didn’t want to be your friend. I learned that the hard way after being told multiple times by people that basically, “Why don’t you get the hint, I didn’t want to call you because I didn’t want to talk to you and I don’t want to be friends with you. You aren’t important enough to me.”

As a result when people don’t call me, text me, or try to get in contact with me in any way. I assume that I am not important enough to remember. I am an afterthought and just someone to be tolerated until they get tired of doing that and they tell me off.

You can see how hard it has to make friends over the years because of this. I would rather let other people engage with me first, that way I can make the decision. It may seem unfair to their perspective, but many people don’t go out of their way to engage with me usually. So it is no big deal.

Trust me, I have read so many books, consulted many online articles, on how to overcome this feeling and emotion. I know it is silly and I know how ridiculous it sounds. In my mind though it is the truth. If people don’t include me in something, aren’t completely upfront with me, and don’t try to contact me- I think they don’t want me around. In my mind I believe they have grown tired of me, they are sick of me, or they have an issue with me.

It is really hard. I am almost 24 and I still feel this way. I still feel sad, hurt, and confused. I try to be a good friend. I try my very best. It always seem though people forget about me though. That I am an afterthought.

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