I always feel like I am forgotten. That I am an afterthought.
I guess it all started when I was 11 years old and I moved from Rhode Island to Tennessee. The move had a really big impact on me. It was a culture shock to say the least with the strange accents and how everyone was so friendly. It was weird.
I had tried to communicate with a friend from up north. I kept calling her and emailing her. She only replied back once. Once. She forgotten all about me. She stopped caring I guess. Not the first time I had been ignored/forgotten, but the first time I felt the impact really hard.
Soon I went to a new school tried to make some friends there, but then they started to ignore me. They wouldn’t talk to me. They wouldn’t tell me what I did wrong. People began making fun of me, people isolated me, talked behind my back, and did all the other really hurtful things that middle schoolers like to do to people.
Thanks guys, its not like I just dealt with so many other issues during that year (I will have a post coming up about it).
Eventually I was forced (literally forced by the Principal; again a post for another day) to leave the school. This all happened in a year with me moving to Tennessee. Welcome to the south! And did I mention this was a Catholic school?
After this I became indifferent to the idea of making friends, friendship,etc. Deep down I still wanted one, but I tried really hard to not go out of my way, to not be friendly. I just didn’t want to care anymore. That lasted for about a couple years.
I start high school and I make friends. It was harder than to keep up my indifference to friendship. Although because I had been out of practice for a few years the whole idea of calling someone to hang out was foreign. Let alone someone calling me. While I made some good friends, lets just say we didn’t have a lot in common and we had different ideas of friendship. I just wanted to have some people to hang out with so I didn’t feel so alone. Sounds pathetic, but it is the truth.
From all the experiences throughout middle school and high school I learned this about friendships. You take turns in calling and contacting someone. If you kept calling them and they didn’t try to engage in conversation back (whether through text, phone calls, emails, facebook,etc.) they didn’t want to be your friend. I learned that the hard way after being told multiple times by people that basically, “Why don’t you get the hint, I didn’t want to call you because I didn’t want to talk to you and I don’t want to be friends with you. You aren’t important enough to me.”
As a result when people don’t call me, text me, or try to get in contact with me in any way. I assume that I am not important enough to remember. I am an afterthought and just someone to be tolerated until they get tired of doing that and they tell me off.
You can see how hard it has to make friends over the years because of this. I would rather let other people engage with me first, that way I can make the decision. It may seem unfair to their perspective, but many people don’t go out of their way to engage with me usually. So it is no big deal.
Trust me, I have read so many books, consulted many online articles, on how to overcome this feeling and emotion. I know it is silly and I know how ridiculous it sounds. In my mind though it is the truth. If people don’t include me in something, aren’t completely upfront with me, and don’t try to contact me- I think they don’t want me around. In my mind I believe they have grown tired of me, they are sick of me, or they have an issue with me.
It is really hard. I am almost 24 and I still feel this way. I still feel sad, hurt, and confused. I try to be a good friend. I try my very best. It always seem though people forget about me though. That I am an afterthought.