Category Archives: My Life

My Worst Valentine’s Day Ever (AKA A Sign From God Himself telling me this Relationship was a bad idea)

I’m going back to the time when I was in high school. I was in a relationship that should never have been. My parents didn’t like him (for good reason), my best friend was always concerned for me, and he was emotionally abusive (calling me names: fat, saying that had love handles, that I was gaining weight, that I was smart, but not that smart, saying that he loved me and only I understood him, getting upset when I was around other guys, etc.) and somewhat sexually abusive to me and pressuring me to do some things I didn’t want to, making me feel guilty or a bad girlfriend.

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Don’t worry, there’s nothing triggering or super scary in this story (thankfully). I’m just setting it up, so you can understand why this was the worst valentine’s day ever for me.

The day before we had another huge argument/fight at school after school. I don’t even know what about anymore, I think it may have been over another girl or something. Or how he thought she was hot and that I don’t fit the definition of “hot.” I felt hurt/ offended by what he said (rightly so). We made up though and he said he was looking forward to spending Valentine’s Day with me and would get me something special.

A couple things to keep in mind throughout this whole post:

  • this was my first time in a relationship for Valentine’s Day
  • he had a job and I didn’t
  • he didn’t really have any expenses
  • I have been dating this guy for about 5 months, although I have known him longer, who manipulates me emotionally, abuses me emotionally and sexually.

Even after this fight I had bought for him a card and a chocolate reese’s heart, yes I still remember to this day and I will tell you why later. You are probably thinking this in regards to me getting him something and still staying with him after he said I wasn’t hot and all the other bad shit he has said about me to my face.

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And you are right, it was messed up. My head wasn’t in the right place. I know that.

Now, this all occurred February 13.

Next Day Valentine’s Day Around 3-4 in the morning.

Be warned, the story gets gross from here on out. You have been warned.

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The Hell That is Lyme Disease

It has been quite a while since I have posted on this blog and not because I haven’t had the desire to. Back in February, I began to notice I was beginning to struggle with reading and writing. Before this, I was already experiencing constant exhaustion, to the point that if I wasn’t doing homework, I was usually sleeping. It started out in Spring 2014, when I started taking more naps than usual, but I attributed that to the stress of college life and being an older-than-traditional college student. I had a memory loss issue where I couldn’t remember who I was or where I was; that was fun. At my job I was having trouble focusing on the work, despite it being extremely simplistic (just putting labels on books); I kept switching up book labels and many times I forgot if I labeled the book at all. I tried to get better.

In the fall of 2015 a lot of stuff happened. Boyfriend lost his job, another relative came to live with us (very, very stressful since she is in her 90s), plumbing issues in the house from the toilet to the kitchen, a car accident happened, grandma went to the hospital (but she seems to always be going there), I lost my job in October because I kept making mistakes by switching up the labels. There is more, but I honestly can’t remember the details. I kept working hard in school, but I was tired a lot and was constantly taking naps. I honestly thought this was because I was dealing with a lot of stress and was feeling pretty depressed.

Finally in the Spring of 2015, my boyfriend was becoming very concerned that I was sleeping a lot. My parents thought I was maybe depressed, but to be honest, even I suspected something was up once my boyfriend mentioned his concern. At this point I was just doing homework and sleeping. I had a really hard time doing anything else. Around this time, I sadly lost someone who I had considered a really good friend. I had brought up some concerns I had and that individual became very angry and lashed out at me. I was extremely hurt emotionally and between being tired all the time, having a hard time reading and writing, and just generally living, I didn’t get back in touch, but my boyfriend did for me. Once I had the energy, that individual was pissed that I didn’t get back in touch right away  and said our friendship was over because I didn’t care. That whole story is complicated, but even now I look back at that time with sadness, no regrets, just sadness. I digress though….  It was actually watching the RHOBH reunion episode with Yolanda Foster when I began to suspect that I had lyme disease. She stated that she had trouble reading and writing. I really connected to that, but not wanting to be like the billions of people that self-diagnose using the powers of the internet, I made an appointment to go see the Doctor and I had my father with me, at this point I didn’t trust my memory at all. I told my father before we went about my difficulty reading and writing, and how I was frustrated at how I’d been continually sick for the past 5-6 years. He was very helpful during the appointment.

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No Cancelation- #BigOrangeScrew Once Again

Yes, that is an actual image of the bridge on campus not salted, not cleared off, and a dinky yellow sign that says caution wet floor. This was an image passed around on the #bigorangescrew hashftage on the 18th of this month during the terrible conditions that had forced many students, faculty, and other staff to stay home.

If you don’t remember, last year in January and February, there was a great deal of snow and the administration did a poor job of handling the situation. It is not uncommon for the University of Tennessee in Knoxville to not close the school despite the harsh weather conditions. Granted how the state and local government responds to the issue is another matter. This post will be focusing on how the University has handled it.

Now the Knox News Sentienal, a local newspaper, brings out this article as the University’s official reason as to why it doesn’t close. I started choking as I started to read it.

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Here is the reason why I think that. When I was looking at @UTKnoxville’s twitter account I noticed they shared this.

You can see why I can bull on the whole story that they don’t close because of an incident that is over 50 years old.

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Comforting Fall

Despite all the craziness I have talked about on this blog lately here and here, I still find fall comforting.

When I was younger I wouldn’t look to fall as a time of excitement, for me it would be a time of dread. It was the end of summer, no more free time being lazy at home, and I would go back to school. An experience that I rarely enjoyed when I was younger.

Now that I am older that has all changed. Despite still being in college and dreading going to school at times, I find comfort in it.

Why do I find comfort in it:

1.) Cool Weather

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It is a relief to be blessed with cool weather after a summer of horrid humidity. I have lived in Tennessee for about 10 years and I am still not used to it.

2.) Hot Drinks

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Yes, this is my cute Raccoon Mug.

You can drink hot drinks anytime of the year, but it just isn’t the same as having hot drinks in the fall and winter.  I can start drinking hot tea, have a pumpkin spice latte, and not feel like I’m burning up as soon as I go outside.

3.) Sweaters

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I get to wear sweaters again.  I just find it a comfort to bundle up in a big baggy sweater that is too large on me. It gives me another excuse to dress comfortably. Pair it with leggings and boots and I am a happy individual.

4.) Bonfires

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My Photo

I prefer bonfires during the colder months. Many people enjoy them in the summer, here in the south I think that is the worst time to have them simply because its too hot and humid out.

5.) It feels peaceful

Summer to me always felt fast paced. I must go to the beach, I must go hang out with friends, I must, I must…

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With Fall though, despite having to go back to school and getting back to a regular work schedule with no vacation in sight, I still find it oddly relaxing to have no pressure to try to fit everything in before classes start, since classes have already started.

6.) Looking at the Sky

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Starry Night Over the Rhone by Vincent Van Gogh

Thanks to the humidity I am not up for doing a lot outside in the summer. I hate that sticky feeling that comes with it. Even at night in the summer it feels sticky outside, in the fall though I can spend more time outside.

I love looking at the sky at night. I love to see all the stars. We are not in the middle of nowhere, but we are far away from the city where we can still have a pretty good view of the stars at night.

7.) It’s Almost the End of the Year

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Whether it has been a good or bad year, I look forward to the end of the year. I just find it comforting in the fact that no matter what happens things will end. Whatever is happening right now will only continue on for amount of time.

For me Fall isn’t just about sweaters or pumpkin spice lattes, its about peace and comfort.

Have a Happy Fall!

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Inspired by The Daily Post
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Dear Doctor,

I wish you were real, for right now I could use a trip in the Tardis.

A relative has come to live with us since her house was bought out from under her since she only rented it. I lost a chuck of financial aid that helps pay for college. My brother has been having trouble in school. I got a kidney infection, we just put my dog down a few days ago, and yesterday I was given notice at my current job. They are waiting till I can find another job, still, it doesn’t feel good.

I have missed doctor appointments because due to the stress and becoming forgetful with everything that has been going on. I have to make up class work already due to being sick and in bed for a week. One professor scares me and another professor didn’t find the one paper I turned in. Hopefully he will accept it. I haven’t felt this depressed since pre-medication. I’m still nowhere near the level of unhappiness I was at before, still, this past month hasn’t been easy.

I’m tired of having obstacles thrown in my way. I just want my family to catch a break.

I just want to go on an adventure. I want to get away from here. I want to be able to be outside of time and just be able to look at life.

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Photo Credit

In all honesty I need a miracle.

I don’t know how I will pay for tuition this year. I already miss seeing my dog Amber around the house. I don’t know how my family will be able to afford another person in a house previously filled with 6 people (now it being 7). I just don’t know what is going to happen. I know things will work out. It’s just right now, a visit from the Doctor would be a nice thing.

I would love to wake up one morning and see the Tardis outside of my house with the Doctor asking me if I would like to go on an adventure. I would love for him to appear on campus and tell me to “Run.” Heck, I’m cool with just talking to him for hours and explore the Tardis only to come out and it be just minutes later in our world.  I would love it if the Doctor was real.

Wishing You Were Real,

Christine

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Having Plenty Isn’t Bad

Whether it is books, movies, or makeup to met having plenty or an excess of it; isn’t the issue. There is nothing wrong with having  or wanting lots of things.

How to Know it is a problem:

  1. You are unable to part with anything and you value your items over your family.
  2. You value material things more than people in general.
  3. When your home looks like a hoarder lives there.
  4. You don’t appreciate what you already have.
  5. You are willing to go to great lengths to get more of what you want (even if it harms someone else).

Wanting items, wanting more isn’t the bad part. What we do to get more can be the problem. How we treat each other as a result of wanting more can be the problem.

I want more money, clothes, books, and makeup. I’m not going to commit crimes or hurt others in the process of getting more of what I want.  While I wait for “more” I will read books, watch movies, and use the makeup I do have in the meantime.

Now I don’t really have money thanks to college tuition prices and no scholarships 😦 I am working hard so that way I can qualify for more scholarships and earn more money from my job. Along with looking for another job on top of it.

Until I can get another job, I will have to use what I have or I can ask my parents nicely if it would be possible to get it. Even than I would only ask occasionally since my family is tight on finances as well.

Wanting and having plenty isn’t bad, how you act as a result of plenty and wanting plenty could be the problem.

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R.I.P. Amber

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Me and Amber. This picture was taken this past week.

This morning my family, Christopher, and I went to the Animal Clinic to help Amber ease into sleep and pass away.

It wasn’t easy, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but seeing it was the terrible. Seeing Amber lying there, while my dad held her in his arms one last time, as they inject the drugs into her. I can still see her head drooping and her body relaxing into his arms til finally her life left her body.

She just laid there, wasn’t moving or breathing; her eyes were closed.

I didn’t think I could feel anymore pain. I didn’t think it could be any worse. All week I had been crying on and off at the thought of Amber leaving us. I completely lost it as I saw her body turn limp. I had to leave the room. Thank God I had Chris there, I would have been more of a mess otherwise.

I know she is no longer in pain now that she has passed. She had been suffering from lupus, arthritis, neuropathy, and dementia. She was becoming blind more and more each day, on top of that her hearing was. She would bump into doors, stare off in the distance not know where she is or who we were. She walked into the tree this past week. I knew that with her passing, she would no longer be in pain.

Still doesn’t make me feel better though. I still miss her.

Amber had lived with us for 15 years. We found this beautiful Shetland Sheepdog/German Shepard furball of love in a shelter in Rhode Island and we adopted her.  I would go into more details about my fondest memories of her, but I can’t seem to do that just yet.

Please keep Amber and my family in your thoughts and prayers. It would be greatly appreciated.

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My Mother took this picture.

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