Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent.
With battling Lyme Disease I had already given up quite a bit:
- Fast food- it doesn’t agree with me anymore, I rarely eat it, and when I do my body doesn’t like it
- Alcohol- I rarely drink it because of all the medicine I am on
- Sweets- I still eat these, but no where near as much as I used to
- Junk food- same thing as sweets
Even my priest and family said I should only focus on getting better for lent. My priest has been very helpful and supportive while I am dealing with all the affects of lyme disease.
Well I still feel the need to do something for lent, so I decided to do something I don’t do very often anymore. Pray.
I can’t really tell you when I last prayed on a daily basis. I still believe in God. I believe he exists. It’s not just because of faith either. I have felt him in others. It’s hard to explain.
Anyway back to why I chose to pray more.
It is just, well a lot has happened in my life and a lot has happened in the past 2 years. Losing job, my boyfriend lost his job, my health deteriorated: trouble reading, writing, comprehension, seizures, stroke like symptoms, memory issues, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, etc. My family also brought another relative into the house, there were lots f repairs going on, whether the house or the car and than there was my school tuition and currently my school loans. Than I lost my friends because of my health and because I shared an honest concern with a friend and she took it badly to the point where she cut me off from everyone.
You would think I would have prayed more in this time. At this point I was just tired and felt that once again, I was left alone. This isn’t the first time in my life where me and my family were bombarded by situations like this. My boyfriend was amazed by how much shit we were dealing with and when I saw it was a normal for things to happen like this he said to me, “no wonder you deal with depression and anxiety.”
It feels like God just doesn’t want to take time out of his busy schedule to deal with me. To be honest I still felt that way. I always felt that way.
If I pray for others (what friends I have left -like 2, family members, people I know and that ask for it) I see the prayers are answered, if I pray for myself…. I usually don’t see the answer. That is why I stopped praying, I only prayed when someone else needed the help.
I know many of you who believe in God, will say that’s not true, God loves all. I already know that logically, emotionally believing in it though is tougher for me. It’s like telling someone with generalized anxiety disorder there is nothing to be anxious about; I know, but I’m still dealing with the effects.
All I know is this lent I will try praying more. Even just typing this up feels uncomfortable. I don’t like sharing this aspect of my life. I never felt the need to share that much about my faith. I always felt that talking about your faith means jack if you don’t act your faith.
And sadly, many people seem to just talk more than act.
If you are participating in Lent this year what are you doing for it?
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