Even though I write constantly I have a hard time expressing my emotions.
To be frank, I hate expressing my emotions. I don’t like it. I feel vulnerable, stupid, and all around over sensitive when I talk about how I feel.
I don’t like talking about how I feel. I don’t like drawing attention to it. I just want to ignore it and hope that my feelings will just disappear. I want to ignore the hurt, the pain, and the emptiness that I usually live with on a daily basis.
Unfortunately, I no longer can do that. I won’t be successful if I don’t get help and if I keep my emotions all bottled up inside of me; it will end badly. I just don’t like being vulnerable. Yes, I know no one does. To me though there are some people who seem to live for that kind of attention. They will try to get attention any way they can. They want the whole world to know their every emotion and moment of angst. I care about the whole world knowing. The truth is, I don’t want them to know, I want to hide. I don’t think I can hide anymore though.
At the same time , I am genuinely afraid. Will this be used against me? Will the whole world know? How will this affect my future? How will people view and think of me?
I don’t like talking about it, but I want someone to know. I just have had trouble with how to express myself. I guess writing is the only way. I have tried writing in a journal, but all I can do there is creative writing. Whenever I blog though, I think I have an easier time with talking about my emotions. I don’t get it, but that is just one of many things I don’t understand.
As a result I have decided that occasionally I will do a series of called “A Confession.” Each will be a different topic about whatever I am feeling at that moment. It usually will be filled with emotions and pain.
Part of me is still really nervous about this and another part of me is glad I am doing this. Oh God, my whole family might see this, my friends, my boyfriends family.
Same time though, this blog isn’t popular, I don’t have many followers. Heck, I doubt people even read this blog. I don’t know why I have the urge to have one despite that.
Maybe I do want someone to notice me?
I’m really scared. What will they all think of me?